Sometimes in life, you have those moments when you think you will never be able to be happy like you dreamed. That has happened a few times, but it hit me the hardest when I found out that my pregnancy with my husband was ectopic. For those of you who don’t know, this seems to be a common problem, but this was the second time this happened to me. The first time, I knew I was not ready for a baby and honestly couldn’t see myself stuck to the man I was with for the rest of my life. It was hard, but I was able to accept it. I had my left fallopian tube removed and was told that I could have children, but I would have to be very careful because the risk of another ectopic was high. Unfortunately, this was said to be caused by a disease my boyfriend gave to me after he cheated on me. Even though I had been treated for and was clear of the disease, it still caused me to have my first ectopic pregnancy in 2005.
My husband and I never really planned to get pregnant. Since 2005, I had not even had a hint of being able to get pregnant. After being with my husband two years and being married one, we got pregnant. On Valentine’s Day 2013, it was confirmed. We rejoiced and prayed for a safe pregnancy. I remember asking God to please let this be real and healthy. Well, a week after I found out I was pregnant, I began bleeding. This was scary for me because it was how my last ectopic pregnancy started. I hoped that the bleeding would stop. There was no physical pain, but the bleeding was steady. So, about two weeks later, I went to the ER. Of course, they did an ultrasound and did some more tests. They determined that, once again, my pregnancy was ectopic. Sitting with my husband in the ER, we were faced with a choice: take Chemo and try to kill the cells and save my last tube or just have the tube removed, taking away all my chances to conceive naturally. We made the choice to have the tube removed. That still gave us the option to do in vitro fertilization one day.
The hardest part of all of this is watching three of my sister in laws and several friends have babies this year. Two of those friends made me godmother to their little baby girls. I almost hate to see the happiness of all of them with their new babies, knowing that the only way for us to have one is through some scientific process that doesn’t always work. I try to console myself, convincing myself we weren’t ready for a baby yet, but it is still hard an sad.
The scars remind me daily of my mistakes and the decisions I made in the past that have affected me adversely in the future. They say you should learn lessons from your mistakes, but what lesson is this to learn? I am now married and can’t provide my husband with a child. Is that not the purpose of sex? To procreate and raise your children to love and respect God? It sucks that something so pleasurable can cause so much mental pain. I am almost jaded to sex now. But this too shall pass. Everything eventually does. Not sure what to do about this. Maybe someone can help.