Pictures and thoughts from a Memphis Musician's Wife

Posts tagged ‘hard’

Hard Times

Sometimes in life, you have those moments when you think you will never be able to be happy like you dreamed. That has happened a few times, but it hit me the hardest when I found out that my pregnancy with my husband was ectopic. For those of you who don’t know, this seems to be a common problem, but this was the second time this happened to me. The first time, I knew I was not ready for a baby and honestly couldn’t see myself stuck to the man I was with for the rest of my life. It was hard, but I was able to accept it. I had my left fallopian tube removed and was told that I could have children, but I would have to be very careful because the risk of another ectopic was high. Unfortunately, this was said to be caused by a disease my boyfriend gave to me after he cheated on me. Even though I had been treated for and was clear of the disease, it still caused me to have my first ectopic pregnancy in 2005. 

My husband and I never really planned to get pregnant. Since 2005, I had not even had a hint of being able to get pregnant. After being with my husband two years and being married one, we got pregnant. On Valentine’s Day 2013, it was confirmed. We rejoiced and prayed for a safe pregnancy. I remember asking God to please let this be real and healthy. Well, a week after I found out I was pregnant, I began bleeding. This was scary for me because it was how my last ectopic pregnancy started. I hoped that the bleeding would stop. There was no physical pain, but the bleeding was steady. So, about two weeks later, I went to the ER. Of course, they did an ultrasound and did some more tests. They determined that, once again, my pregnancy was ectopic. Sitting with my husband in the ER, we were faced with a choice: take Chemo and try to kill the cells and save my last tube or just have the tube removed, taking away all my chances to conceive naturally. We made the choice to have the tube removed. That still gave us the option to do in vitro fertilization one day. 

The hardest part of all of this is watching three of my sister in laws and several friends have babies this year. Two of those friends made me godmother to their little baby girls. I almost hate to see the happiness of all of them with their new babies, knowing that the only way for us to have one is through some scientific process that doesn’t always work. I try to console myself, convincing myself we weren’t ready for a baby yet, but it is still hard an sad. 

The scars remind me daily of my mistakes and the decisions I made in the past that have affected me adversely in the future. They say you should learn lessons from your mistakes, but what lesson is this to learn? I am now married and can’t provide my husband with a child. Is that not the purpose of sex? To procreate and raise your children to love and respect God? It sucks that something so pleasurable can cause so much mental pain. I am almost jaded to sex now. But this too shall pass. Everything eventually does. Not sure what to do about this. Maybe someone can help.

The Road

The Road can be a hard thing to deal with. Being away from your husband for any extended length of time can be difficult, but it is even harder when you work together and spend pretty much all of your time together.

When I started dating Jeremy, he performed every day. I can hardly remember one off day (they are still few and far between). I’d just moved back home, leaving a bad situation to start all over again. We spent every moment we had together. I learned quickly how to set his equipment up, not that it was very hard (he had a 63 key keyboard then). As I attended more and more of his gigs, I kind of took on the role of band mom. I would play the role of waitress, merch sales lady, sound tech, roadie, and so much more. I did this everywhere I went with Jeremy, and with every band, as he played with several. We didn’t have a car, so we were limited to riding on the bus with his equipment, sometimes having to walk home if we could not get a ride or have money for a cab home. Fortunately, we lived only 2 miles from Beale Street. This went on for about two years, with Jeremy eventually graduating to an 88 key keyboard. Needless to say, our bond became very tight. We were best friends, marriage partners, business partners, and parents. We still are.

Things changed, though. We were blessed with a vehicle, which opened us up to being able to play with different and better bands. They travel. They actually guarantee a pay (lol). Jeremy was blessed with much better equipment, which of course is heavier and more difficult to move. So, I am still there (as long as “Mommy” duty doesn’t require me to be away). It feels so awkward when I am not there. He has gone on the road, for the second time (only a two day trip), with a band that I very actively assist when I am around them. However, I was not invited on either of their road trips, which is understandable. (I don’t want anyone too take this as me being hurt or mad or anything about me not going on the road with them.) Some people like to tell me to get a life, that my life should not revolve around my husband and my family. Well, what else should it consist of? My husband is a performer. I am a business manager and promotions and marketing specialist. We work together. Our finances are one. Our business is one. Our lives are one. That’s just us. So, when we are apart, it is like a piece of me is missing. I don’t hear music the same when I don’t hear him. The road is lonely for both of us. True enough, I get time to myself and to take care of business I probably would not get done when he is here. I get to go to picnics with old friends and spend some time with family I don’t always get to see. I like it, but it is hard and makes me feel like I am living a dream when he is here. I am glad I get to go on the next road trip with him, but I won’t be happy when the time comes for him to be gone for long periods of time. I just hope that by then we can actually travel together as a family. Image

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